Sooner or later, maybe as a comedy or maybe as a tragedy, or maybe a romance (Okay, definitely not a romance) the story of the Trump presidency will certainly be made into a major motion picture. Our crystal ball was damaged in a necessary, but unfortunate application of the Heimlich Maneuver. We tried repairing it with duct tape, bubble gum and half a can of Gorilla Glue Spray. Nothing worked and now it seems permanently stuck to the cover of the latest and only issue of “Better Homes & Pardons”, a magazine with only one subscriber, but unbelievable demographics. (For a rate sheet contact R. Guliani.) But here are some casting predictions we got by tapping the Tinseltown telegraph.
Jared Kushner, Special Counselor to the President, for being married to Ivanka, (those are his qualifications, not his job title) is played by Big Bang Star, Jim Parsons. “Not much of a stretch really,” Parsons is recently said to have said, ”I just dusted off my Sheldon Cooper character again, but only this time as a zombie. I also will be wearing a white porcelain mask to achieve Kushie’s doll-like complexion.”
What better audition could there be for the role of Rudy Guiliani than Al Pacino’s performance in “The Devil’s Advocate?” His jocular glee as a behind-the-scenes evildoer could probably just be edited right in. Sorry to dash your hopes, but John Travolta hijacked the much sought after acting job after being seen by one of the producers power lunching with Hershey’s syrup leaking from behind his ears, while wearing a pair of Googly Eye Novelty Glasses and waving his hands in the air like a meth addict drying her nails.
In a rare case of the sequel improving on the original, David Schwimmer is more believable as Michael Cohen than Michael Cohen himself. But that bar is lower than the one in the Titanic’s cocktail lounge.
Angelina Jolie reprises her role from the movie role Maleficent, relabeled this time as Melania. According to one highly respected source, the only character adjustment required was lowering her body temperature with an ice water I.V. before each take.
Margot Robbie shows she’s willing do whatever it takes to deliver an award-worthy performance as first daughter Ivanka Trump. Word on the street is that in order to win the role she has undergone a series of facial injections with a cocktail of novocaine and Botox. “No, the drugs are not a crutch,” the Golden Globe and Oscar-nominated blond explained, ”It’s just scientifically impossible to keep my face that emotionless without some major chemical help. ”
Spewing alternative facts and not ever answering a question, Lisa Kudrow, is a total lock to win an Oscar, even if the film doesn’t actually get made. She plays super flack, Kelly Ann Conway, in a performance with more layers than a basketball-sized onion. The net effect is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma, zipped inside a loosely fitting human skin suit, wearing a Gucci dress. You may forget you’re watching an actor portraying a role and instead gain a glimpse of something vaguely reptilian, something vaguely human, playing a publicist.
Honey Boo Boo’s mother, June “Mama June” Shannon, is in final negotiations to play White House Press Wrangler Sarah “Huck-a-Bee” Sanders. “Details remain to be worked out,” says a secretive source, “Not with the contract, but with the parole officer.” Keep your fingers crossed, like S.H.S.!, always did as Press Secretary, as this could be a MAGA-nificient performance.
Finding an actor to play Kayleigh McEnany, aka “Miss Mistrusted,” was daunting. It required someone with enough endurance and stamina to maintain a very high volume of non-stop lying. “Most actors “hit the wall,” about 30 or 40 lies in and just collapse,” according to one well-known dialogue coach. It was more of a sacrifice than the producers were willing to ask anyone to make. So they came up with a clever work-a-round and hired the Olsen Twins, Mary-Kate and Ashley to tag team lines as Trump’s truth-torturing tootsie.
Woody Harrelson is tagged in the role of former Marine General and Ex-Trump White House Honcho John Kelly. Unconfirmed rumors say he sprained his frown muscles while rehearsing the role. However, a full recovery is expected. We also could not confirm his use of a internally-inserted, prosthetic spine support, allegedly crafted from a broom handle.
Mad Men’s John Slaterly is ready to shine and slime as Roger Stone. “What the hell,” he says. “If you played one manipulative, greedy Roger you’ve played them all.” “I just need to keep in mind that Roger Sterling had significantly higher levels of decency and integrity.
Playing Stephen Miller, as if born for the role, is Marilyn Manson. “Piece of cake,” claims the Goth Rock Idol.” Dabbed a little black shoe polish on my forehead and I’m pretty much good to go. Just need to dial my normal human warmth back by half.”
Playing against type and barely recognizable sporting a boxy Brioni suit, an orange spray tan and a 12-pound toupee, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, simply is Ex-President Trump, a.k.a “The Donald,” a.k.a. The Big D.” The giant, the lumbering paranormal monster (Stay Puft, not Trump) was last seen in the Ghostbusters franchise. Buzz is growing with Internet gossip troll Perez Hilton, took time from his Britney Spears’ apology tour to gush over the big, plumper’s rumored return to the big screen. “If what we hear is true this could be the sweet and sticky performer’s return ticket to career comeback city.”
Merchandising and cross-promotion deals are still in the works but reliable sources say a tie-in to the return of Orange Hi-C to McDonalds menu is very unlikely.
Don Junior, Ben Carson, The Mooch and many other juicy roles haven’t been set. While we can’t make any promises, send your casting ideas to info@therallymagazine.com and we’ll forward them to our Hollywood connections.
